Then once they dropped and started looking more natural, I grew unsure about the size I had been expanded to. I think, with my surgery date rapidly approaching, I was second guessing myself. The size I woke up with after surgery was the size I'd be stuck with for the rest of my life. It's a big commitment and let's just say I'm very indecisive. I did know however, that I'd be happier with too big rather than too small (within a reasonable margin of course). So I emailed my doctor with my uncertainty, and he, being the people pleaser that he is, asked me to come in for another consult. This was Friday. I came in, we spoke, and I asked him whether or not the implants would have the same projection. He said they'd be pretty comparable to my expanders. I said my chest didn't look like I pictured, as in, not much bigger than my original size. Okay folks, moment of brutal honesty: I wore padded bras before my mastectomy! I kind of had to fill out shirts and plus not many bras come without padding these days. I think this is where the problem lay. With a shirt on, I felt that I looked the same size. My doctor gave me the crazy eye when I told him there wasn't much difference, but he begrudgingly agreed to another fill. He had the nurse come in to do my for reals this time "last fill." What happens next is an accident and I don't blame my nurse at all. She had done 90 percent of my fills with no problem.
All through my fill process, my left expander port was a pain in the butt. It migrated all over the place. It was never in the same spot twice. My nurse began trying to find the port with a small magnet. It didn't work. She got a bigger magnet and found what she thought was my port. When she stuck the needle in, it hurt. Fills are not supposed to hurt. She pulled the needle out right away as she seemed to know she hadn't hit my port. When she pulled the needle out, clear fluid rushed out. She didn't seem concerned, so I wasn't concerned. She looked again and found my port almost in my armpit! The original poke went in on the top and center. Anyway, she put 50CCs in each expander and sent me off. I was happy again. I LOVED my new size.
I noticed later on that evening that my left breast seemed a little softer than normal. When I say "softer" I mean, not rock hard. I thought it was odd but I thought maybe it was because that wily little expander was moving around. I again, wasn't too concerned, until the next morning when I noticed my left breast was about 1/3 smaller than the right. That's when I realized my expander was punctured.
I've consulted with my doctor and now I have to get 50CCs removed from the right expander to achieve symmetry. There's also the chance that the skin around my left expander will shrink before my surgery. So, not only am I not 50CCs bigger, I might wake up from surgery smaller than I was before surgery. *sigh* I feel like this is my karmic retribution for being vain and being wishy-washy. I should have been focused on the reason that I started this journey. To prolong my life. Not to get a boob job. I'm disappointed but I'm trying to focus on the trade-off: having smaller breasts than I'd hoped for but not worrying about breast cancer and all that comes with it.
My mantra going forward- Trust my instinct, don't second guess yourself, and focus on the true outcome of my battles.
XOXO
-Rosanna
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